I have a confession to make: I find Judge Judy very entertaining. And, apparently I’m not alone. The following are tips based on the most common errors I’ve observed on the show:

• If you are a deadbeat dad, do not come before Judge Judy with the excuse that you often buy diapers, food, toys, or clothes for your children. Similarly, do not offer that you give your baby mama money for your kids whenever she asks. Judge Judy will simply remind you that this does not relieve you of your legal obligations for child support.
• If you are being sued for repayment of a loan, do not do Judge Judy’s job for her and declare that what you were given was a gift. Judge Judy wants you to merely describe the circumstances surrounding the exchange, so she can divine the donor’s intent.
• Different states have different laws regarding engagement rings. Unfortunately, in many jurisdictions (e.g. California), an engagement ring that accompanies a proposal is considered to be a gift given in the contemplation of marriage. So ladies, you are not automatically entitled to keep your engagement ring - even if your betrothed is the one who balks at marriage.

It’s hard to leave my work at the office . . .

I spent July 4th on Cape Cod visiting my in-laws. My wife and I took one afternoon off from kids, fireworks and hot dogs to take a quiet walk around the quaint town of Oysterville, where we stumbled into a bookstore and I ran smack into J. Craig Williams’ new book, How to Get Sued. This is a tiny bookstore in a tiny town and there was Craig’s book front and center as you walk in:

I asked the proprietor why they had a copy. Apparently one of their regular customers was on a flight sitting next to a man who was almost in tears laughing while reading How to Get Sued. The man placed a special order and they picked up an additional copy.

Craig - I can’t remember the name of the place and I can’t find them online, but there are only about 8 stores in Oysterville and the proprietor was extremely excited that I knew you. “Would he do a book signing?”. . . So if you are ever on the Cape (and I think you are occasionally) a trip in to the tiny bookstore in Oysterville could be fun.

The Supreme Court today further reduced the punitive damages against Exxon for the Valdez spill. The initial $5 billion judgment against Exxon has now been reduced to just over $1 billion, making attorney Walter Dellinger a $4 billion JD-brandishing superhero to big oil. Exxon profits were just under $4 billion per month in the first quarter of 2008.

1. Since when did wearing underwear become dangerous? Macrida Patterson, who is suing Victoria’s Secret, says she was hurt by a defective “low rise v-string” last May when a rhinestone came lose from the panties and hit her in the eye. Lawyer Jason Buccat, of the L.A. firm, Willoughby & Associates, said that a “design problem caused the decorative piece to come loose and strike Patterson in the eye, causing damage to her cornea.”

2. Every rose has it’s thorn… 80’s hair-band, Poison, has filed a lawsuit against Capitol Records for consistently not paying them royalties throughout their monumental careers. Lawyers Mark Passin and Jonathan Stern, of the Santa Monica firm Dreier Stein Kahan Browne Woods George, are representing Bret Michaels and the gang with their sad sad song.

3. It’s not a small world after all… Apparently a beard and turban don’’t really fly if you want to work at Disney World. Sukhbir Channa, a practicing Sikh, was removed from his position in the parade for not having the “Disney look”. With the help of his lawyer, Matt Sarelson, he is suing for “at least $1 million and that the court enjoin Disney from discriminating against Sikh employees and prospective employees.”

1. The rock band Motley Crüe is suing their former manager for swindling them out of money behind their backs. Crüe is represented by lawyers Louis Miller and A. Sasha Frid of the Los Angeles firm Miller Barondess, LLP. The band seeks unspecified damages and requests that Stein has no right to any commissions from their work. Stein should know better… nobody messes with a hair band.

2. Fighter in fishnets? The stripper that sued Oscer De La Hoya has dismissed her claim. Milana Dravnel (represented by Salvatore Strazzullo) was seeking $25 million for slander. She claimed that De La Hoya presured her to “recant the legitimacy of photos she allegedly took of the boxer in fishnet stockings, high heels and other women’s garb”. Dravnel dismissed the case after an expert assessed the photos as “doctored”. De La Hoy’s attorney, Judd Burstein, had this to say: “She was facing destruction on a major scale. She wisely chose to dismiss.”

3. Colorado lawyer, Harvey Steinberg, is dealing with an interesting case this week. He represents Roman Catholic priest who had been accused of jogging naked at a high school track. Father Robert Whipkey was found guilty of indecent exposure. The officer who arrested him said his excuse was “He said that he didn’t like to wear any clothes because he sweats profusely.” That seems like a good reason to stip and go for a run.

1. Criminal defense attorney by day, rock star by night… Chicago lawyer Mike Roman was kicked our of court during R. Kelly trial for trying to promote his demo CD. After badgering Kelly, who said no repeatedly, he “complied with an order to leave the courtroom, but not before trying to sell a copy of his album, ‘Cha Cha Time‘, to one of Kelly’s defense attorneys for $15.”

2. New york Lawyer Richard Roth is suing Delta Air Lines for $1 million dollars over his ruined family vacation to Argentina. He claims that he and his family spent three days stuck in the airport without their luggage and were forced to spend $21,000 wasted hotel rooms in Buenos Aires. “Through its gross negligence, malfeasance and absolute incompetence, Mr. Roth holds Delta responsible for ruining his vacation,” said the lawsuit, filed in New York state court.

3. Ira Dean, the bassist for country band “Trick Pony” has filed a McLawsuit against the “Golden Arches” for using his likeness to sell it’s Big n’ Tasty burger. Dean is represented by William Hochberg. Who wouldn’t want to associate themselves with this delicious burger?

The Seattle Post-Intelligencer has insightful commentary from Randy Aliment this morning on the vulnerabilities of both parties in the City of Seattle’s lawsuit against Clay Bennett’s Sonics:

From the city’s standpoint, forced occupation here is going to be a difficult proposition because the team would only be here two years, the NBA is going to be upset and the prospects for a team long-term are problematic,” Aliment said. “Some type of mediated solution where Bennett can take his toys back to Oklahoma and the city gets a different team, or Bennett gets a new team and we keep our Sonics, would obviously be the best.

1. Premier Exhibitions Inc. settled with the Attorney General of New York, Andrew Cuomo, this week, over their controversial “Bodies… The Exhibition”. Allegedly the cadavers, who are plasticized and formed in various positions, were Chinese prisoners, who were tortured and executed. The terms of the settlement are that the exhibit cannot obtain new bodies without proving the cause of death. “Respect for the dead and respect for the public requires that Premier do more than simply assure us that there is no reason for concern,” Cuomo said. “This settlement is a start.”

2. MGA, who created the Bratz doll, is now immersed in a lawsuit with the Mattel’s Barbie. Mattel claims that the rights to Bratz should be theirs, since the designer created the concept while he was a Mattel employee. Barbie sales have been down recently, even though they have done their best to revamp her during her mid-life crisis. People argue that Bratz is the more hip of the two choices… but who’s to say who will reign as queen in this battle of the plastic, pouty, hourglass figured, scantily clad dolls. Barbie is represented by John Quinn, and Bratz is represented by Tom Nolan.

3. The Rat City Rollergirls are up against Starbucks in a trademark scuffle. Starbucks has requested that the Rat City Rollergirls alter their logo, as it’s too similar to theirs. Yep, they both have circles within circles and a female in the middle and two stars. Rat City’s Lawyer, Quinn Heraty, asked Starbucks to support their local Seattle team, however the Rollergirls look a little too scary for Starbucks to associate themselves with. “Let’s resolve the issue, but that doesn’t mean that Starbucks owns all of the concentric circles in the world,” Heraty said. “It’s not like the word Starbucks is even unique. “They took that from ‘Moby Dick.’

1. “There’s an expression that somebody broke every bone in his body,” said attorney Mark Manus. “Well, this is pretty close.” He was referring to a fall his client took on the set of “The Little Mermaid”. Adrian Bailey fell ‘under the sea’ through the bottom of the stage (through a trap door built in the set’s sailboat) 30-40 feet which is how he broke his back and several ribs, shattered his pelvis, fractured his sternum and foot, and broke both his wrists. It looks like Disney is trying to make him look like he is less injured. They are saying that he only suffered two broken wrists after falling only 20 feet. Bailey has filed a petition in Manhattan Supreme Court to preserve the boat scenery to make it available during his lawsuit.

2. Boy band mogul Lou Pearlman was sentenced this week to 25 years in prison for fraud. He is best known for making the Backstreet Boys and ‘NSYNC famous, which we are all so very grateful for. Pearlman allegedly stole more that $300 million dollars from investors and major U.S. banks. Judge G. Kengdall Sharp gave Pearlman the “chance to cut his prison time by offering a one-month reprieve for every $1 million in cash he helps a bankruptcy trustee recover for his victims.” This means, in theory, he could take care of his entire 300 months sentence by repaying off the $300 million debt. Look at that… he could kiss his prison time bye bye bye…

3. In Chattooga County, Georgia, Judge Carlton Vines presides over traffic violations and DUI’s. The local paper, The Summerville News, is investigating the rise in the number of DUI arrests. Ironically, Judge Vines has become a statistic in this research, as he was arrested last November for driving drunk and leaving the scene of an accident after swerving into another car. Apparently “he was trashed, slurring, and stumbling… though still cogent enough to refuse the breathalyzer.”

1. Lawyer Zafer Akin dealt with a turbulent case this week. His client Gokhan Mutlu is suing JetBlue after an unfortunate flight he took in February from San Diego to New York. He flew standby on a full flight and was told to go stay in the bathroom for the second half of the flight so the flight attendant could rest comfortably. “This is something you wouldn’t do to your worst enemy,” Akin said. “This is an outrage.” Mutlu is suing for $2 million.

2. Attorney David Mourick represents Robert Hezzelwood, better known as “Beach Bob”. Bob recently filed a lawsuit against the Lee County Sheriff’s Office for violating his civil rights. You see, Beach Bob received a “trespass warning” from the sheriff’s deputy. What does trespassing have to do with anything? The notice read “exposed scrotum” and “Never return to Bonita Beach Main Access”. Mourick said “It is a good case in that it showed these deputies can’t just go in there and trespass people just because they don’t like what they’re wearing.”

3. What would you do if you won the lotto? Probably hide it from your spouse. At least that’s what Arnim Ramdass did after he won the jackpot of $19 million. He split the winnings 16 ways with his coworkers and kept it a secret from his beloved. Yes, they are still married. When his wife, Donna Campbell, found out about his secret, she felt “emotionally drained and financially desperate”. She hired Attorney Bruce Baldwin to help her get what’s rightfully hers, half of the jackpot, as it was purchased with their marital assets. Ramdass is represented by Robert Puzio. The couple, who is still together, are staying in different sides of the house. Occasionally they run into each other, but they don’t interact.

4. Speaking of marital issues… Here’s a divorce attorney who will really fight for you in and out of court. Lawyer Manuel Martinez took his case a little too far when he hired a hit man to kill his client’s husband. Martinez collected $100,000 for having the husband shot three times in the back. Along with the cash he also was awarded 25 years to life. “To say that this is an unusual case may be the understatement of my career,” the ruling judge, Manhattan Supreme Court Justice Michael Obus, said.

5. Saliva as a weapon? A homeless man in Dallas is going to jail for 35 years because of his spit. When Willie Cambell was arrested for public intoxication in 2006, he spat at an officer, saying he had HIV. His laywer, Russell Henrichs, said that during the trial Campell (who has been HIV positive since 1994) denied he resisted the arrest. Hennrichs also said that Willie “had been indicted under a habitual-offender statute that increased the penalty in his case to a minimum of 25 years in prison, because he had been convicted of attacking two other officers in a similar manner and biting two inmates, as well as more than two dozen other offenses.” Yikes. Jenni Morse, who prosecuted this case, said “You can see why we thought that we needed to get this guy off the streets.”